i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Randomize
