Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
