I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
