I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
