I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
two words...techno handjob
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
