Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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