I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Randomize
