Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.