I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
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After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
The 17 Absolute Worst Divorces Imaginable
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis