Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
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Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I AM VODKA MAN
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
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