im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
