She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize