goodnight i made you a song goodbye
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
