my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize
