Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
