Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
you had me at cake vodka
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I HOPE YOU ENJOY THIS VDIEPO BECAUSE I AMS ENDIONG A LOKT OF EFFORT RECORIDNG IT
I ONLY PARTIALLY KNOW WHAT YOU SAID. BUT I THINK I WILL LIKE IT.
I effort
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
