where am i from again
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I'm too high and old for this...
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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