The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
