I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
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There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
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that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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