At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize