Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
