I cannot find my penis.
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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