So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
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I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
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Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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