I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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