And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
