My sheets look like a crime scene.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
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