My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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