Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
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