i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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