Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
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