Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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