My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
