the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Randomize
