I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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