My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Randomize
