let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Randomize
