I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
