I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
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