where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I'm at about main and main street
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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