worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
