Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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