No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Randomize
