i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
