I'm laying in your front yard are you home
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
