i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Randomize
