I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
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