I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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