I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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