just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
