I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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