did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Randomize
