I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
