hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
