I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
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what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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