God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
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