first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
