I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
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