they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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