yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
